ABUSER AND CONTRL FREAK

ABUSER AND CONTROL FREAK

“I rightfully  believe in the right of free speech, mine, yours, everyone else’s and not solely yours.”

Proverbs 12:15 The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, But he who heeds counsel is wise.

Proverbs 13:16 Every prudent man acts with knowledge, But a fool lays open his folly.

Proverbs 14: 3    In the mouth of a fool is a rod of pride, But the lips of the wise will preserve them.
4    Where no oxen are, the trough is clean; But much increase comes by the strength of an ox.
5    A faithful witness does not lie, But a false witness will utter lies.
6    A scoffer seeks wisdom and does not find it, But knowledge is easy to him who understands.
7    Go from the presence of a foolish man, When you do not perceive in him the lips of knowledge.
8    The wisdom of the prudent is to understand his way, But the folly of fools is deceit.
9    Fools mock at sin, But among the upright there is favor.
10    The heart knows its own bitterness, And a stranger does not share its joy.
11    The house of the wicked will be overthrown, But the tent of the upright will flourish.
12    There is a way that seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death.

16 A wise man fears and departs from evil, But a fool rages and is self-confident.

In psychology-related slang, control freak is a derogatory term for a person who attempts to dictate how everything around them is done. The phrase was first used in the late 1960s — an era when great stress was laid on the principle of 'doing one's own thing' and letting others do the same. Control freaks are often perfectionists defending themselves against their own inner vulnerabilities in the belief that if they are not in total control they risk exposing themselves once more to childhood angst. Such persons manipulate and pressure others to change so as to avoid having to change themselves, and use power over others to escape an inner emptiness. When a control freak's pattern is broken, “the Controller is left with a terrible feeling of powerlessness … But feeling their pain and fear brings them back to themselves”.

Control freaks appear to have some similarities to codependents, in the sense that the latter fear of abandonment leads to attempts to control those they are dependent on. Recovery for them entails recognizing that being a control freak helped paradoxically preserve codependency itself

In terms of personality-type theory, control freaks are very much the Type A personality, driven by the need to dominate and control. An obsessive need to control others is also associated with antisocial personality disorder.

If you are a   Control freak you are not only still unrealistic, immature, immoral person  but you  may have a serious personality disorder.  Even if you are self-employed or  work for a major corporation. You are a menace, plus a real danger to yourself and to others, for you are an abuser, a human rights violator too.

Having clearly now an exaggerated emphasis of your own self-importance, being totally in  control is part of a cluster of behaviors that can be labeled as compulsive and generally characterized by perfectionism, orderliness, workaholic tendencies, an inability to make commitments or to trust others and a real cover-up for your fear of having your own flaws exposed. You are exposed now still too..

All  these type of Persons who  believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives, or of others, including their relationships are idiots, fools, grossly in error, in need of professional help, good pastoral counseling.

Everybody has had to contend with control freaks and they are found everywhere, in Corporations, at  home, in churches too.. These are those people who insist on having their way in all interactions with you. They wish to set the agenda and decide what it is you will do and when you will do it. You know who they are – they have a driving need to run the show and call the shots. Lurking within the fabric of the conversation is the clear threat that if you do not accede to their needs and demands, they will be unhappy.. and they will delete your post…

While in reality God has made us all equal, and GAVE US ALL MOUTHS WE CAN SPEAK WITH, EARS TO LISTEN, it seems some people, in churches, on the net, elsewhere, they  still wrongfully do think they are better than others, or want to dominate others, do try to give orders to others, do try to make rules for others  that they too often themselves do not follow too, they are in fact still bullies..  and now why is that? and who do they think they are now that they are so special? Mere fools. They mostly have a hidden agenda, they are falsely seeking fame, power, control, a position of prestige, for they are immoral slave drivers trying to walk on the back of others

Control freaks or Bullies, abusers, wrongfully do cause  others stress so they can maintain a false sense of order. These people themselves firstly are are still riddled mostly with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover and their friends, but underneath all that still too that supposedly perfect outfit and great body is a mountain of real unhappiness, unresolved guilt, disturbed person.

Certainly, it’s natural to want to be in control of your life. But when you have to be in control of the people around you as well, well you have gone crazy, become a fool, a demonic controlled person who can’t rest until you get your way and you are headed down a very bumpy ride, it is easier to try to control yourself, and impossible to control all the others.

(1 Cor 9:27 KJV)  But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway.

Beware always of men and women, bullies, tormentors, control freaks,  persons, civil and public servants,  politicians, pastors, leaders, elders, who falsely do, will try to enslave you, oppress you, exploit you even while they claim they are proclaiming the truth, democracy, trying to help you, etc.,

Is 51:23 ..your tormentors {and} oppressors, those who said to you, Bow down, that we may ride {or} tread over you; and you have made your back like the ground and like the street for them to pass over

Someone had the mistaken idea we all do still need to be kind to these bad wolves in sheep clothing, the perverse oppressors, these human rights abusers.. dream on.. them being put into jail is the sole kindness they rather do deserve.

Is 55:7 Let the wicked forsake his way and the unrighteous man his thoughts; and let him return to the Lord, and He will have love, pity, {and} mercy for him, and to our God, for He will multiply to him His abundant pardon. 8 For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord. 9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.

Is 56:10 watchmen are blind, they are all without knowledge; they are all dumb dogs, they cannot bark; dreaming, lying down, they love to slumber.

The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety – though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them. They have a hard time with negotiation and compromise and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize with. 

Is 57:4 Against whom do you make sport {and} take your delight? Against whom do you open wide your mouth and put out your tongue? Are you not yourselves the children of transgression, the offspring of deceit–
 
 So “Those who demand the most often give the least.”  Ask them to send you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior patterns. In order to not feel degraded, humiliated and have your sense of self and self-worth assaulted, you need to avoid being bulldozed by a controlling lover, boss or friend. When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment, the best response may still also still be to expose them. Call the police and walk out.

The reality of life is that we are not go to run away from problems nor people who are abusers or control freak but will have to learn how to deal with them, even face them head on!

Cathy Meyer writes The Need to Control And It's Relationship to Abuse

Verbal abuse, physical abuse and emotional abuse all come from a need to control. The more research I do on the subject and the more I deal with clients in abusive relationships the more I come to believe that to be true.

It is human nature to feel a need to control our surroundings and, to some degree the people we have relationships with. In my opinion, it is that need to control that, at times is the main factor in the destruction of our relationships.

During my marriage, I was controlling. I was not a control freak who did not feel good about herself unless everyone was marching to her orders. I was what others might call “worry wart.” I worried about whether or not my children had proper food to eat, whether or not the house was clean enough or whether or not family vacations would run smoothly.

Due to the worry, I felt a need to control certain things. I told myself that I needed to take control because it was in my family’s best interest. You know what I mean, if I planned every moment of a vacation then that meant every moment would be enjoyed. Funny thing is, every moment was planned out but every moment was not enjoyed because I was living with people who had their own minds and own ideas of what they wanted and didn’t want to do.

They would end up enjoying their vacation and I would end up stressing out and suffering emotionally because I felt out of control. It is what a person does with the stress and emotional discomfort they feel when out of control that determines whether or not they become verbal, physical or emotional abusers.

There are those who have feelings of fear, worthlessness, inadequacy and shame that turn into control freaks. Their feelings of their own self-worth are tied to how well they can get others to bend to their whims and to follow their orders. They have a driving need to get control of their lives, which means controlling circumstances, and people…especially the people from whom they need love and affirmation. Once you start trying to force that kind of control over people you can bet conflict will follow.

I believe that control freaks have a low tolerance for any kind of emotional pain. Especially feelings of shame, fear and rejection of what they believe to be right and wrong. When something happens in their life to bring forth these intolerable emotions they find ways to cope and normally their coping skills mean abuse for those in relationships with the control freak. Below is a list of coping skills a control freak might resort to, in order to get their way.

    Yelling, screaming, using degrading and demeaning language.
    Shutting down and not talking or responding to your need to discuss the problems.
    Withholding affection, financial help or anything else they think you need from them.
    Hitting, shoving, punching, kicking.
    Drinking, doing drugs and other addictive behaviors.

Each of the above behaviors is an attempt by the abuser to tranquilize the intolerable emotional pain they feel when feeling out of control. Instead of looking internally and trying to figure out why they have such negative emotions they bury the pain, live in denial of it and distort the reality of their behaviors. How often have you heard an abuser blame the person they abuse for their actions? It is easier to blame someone else for bad behavior than to admit they need help and to face those painful emotions head on.

Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D., R-CSW writes in Dealing With Control Freaks

Most all of you have had to contend with control freaks. These are those people who insist on having their way in all interactions with you. They wish to set the agenda and decide what it is you will do and when you will do it. You know who they are – they have a driving need to run the show and call the shots. Lurking within the fabric of the conversation is the clear threat that if you do not accede to their needs and demands, they will be unhappy.

Certainly, it’s natural to want to be in control of your life. But when you have to be in control of the people around you as well, when you literally can’t rest until you get your way … you have a personality disorder. While it’s not a diagnostic category found in the DSM IV (the therapist’s bible for diagnostic purposes) an exaggerated emphasis on control is part of a cluster of behaviors that can be labeled as compulsive generally characterized by perfectionism, orderliness, workaholic tendencies, an inability to make commitments or to trust others and a fear of having their flaws exposed. Deep down, these people are terrified of being vulnerable. They believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives, including their relationships. Control freaks take the need and urge to control to new heights, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover and their friends, but underneath that perfect outfit and great body is a mountain of unhappiness. Let’s look at what makes control freaks tick, what makes you want to explode, and some ways to deal with them.

The Psychological Dynamics That Fuel a Control Freak

The need to control is almost always fueled by anxiety – though control freaks seldom recognize their fears. At work, they may worry about failure. In relationships, they may worry about not having their needs met. To keep this anxiety from overwhelming them, they try to control the people or things around them. They have a hard time with negotiation and compromise and they can’t stand imperfection. Needless to say, they are difficult to live with, work with and/or socialize with.

Bottom Line: In the process of being controlling, their actions say, “You’re incompetent” and “I can’t trust you.” (this is why you hate them). Remember, the essential need of a control freak is to defend against anxiety. Although it may not be apparent to you when they are making their demands, these individuals are attempting to cope with fairly substantial levels of their own anxiety. The control freak is usually fighting off a deep-seated sense of their own helplessness and impotence. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people, they are warding off their own fear of being out of control and helpless. Controlling is an anxiety management tool.

Unfortunately for you, the control freak has a lot at stake in prevailing. While trying to hold a conversation and engage them in some way, their emotional stakes involve their own identity and sense of well-being. Being in control gives them the temporary illusion and sense of calmness. When they feel they are prevailing, you can just about sense the tension oozing out of them. The control freak is very frightened. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the subtle or not so subtle threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you to not feel so helpless. To relinquish control is tantamount to being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair.

Repetition Compulsion

Control freaks are also caught in the grip of a repetition compulsion. They repeat the same pattern again and again in their attempt to master their anxiety and cope with the trauma they feel. Characteristically, the repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in an insatiable way. Successes at controlling do not register on their internal scoreboard. They have to fight off the same threat again and again with increasing rigidity and intransigence.

Cathy Meyer writes IN Domestic Abuse: What You Need to Know

Domestic abuse is about control and power, usually a man getting and keeping control and power over a woman. To simplify it, someone who commits domestic abuse is a control freak, and for the sake of argument, we are going to use the pronoun “he.” An abuser can’t feel good about himself unless he feels he is in total control of a woman and the relationship.

The abuser will use physical violence, threats of physical violence, isolation, yelling, screaming, and emotional, sexual or financial abuse to attempt to control his wife and in return control the relationship. He will leave both physical and emotional scars as he tried to remain in control and stave off the feeling of his wife being out of his control. And as the economy gets worse, and recession sets in, and jobs are lost, and income falls… the more an abuser takes out his feelings of helplessness on his wife.

Victims of Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse happens to women of all ages, races and religions. Her economic or professional status is not an indicator of whether or not she will one day be a victim of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse occurs in the poorest neighbor and the priciest mansions.

Nearly 95 percent of domestic abuse victims are women. Over 50 percent of all women will experience domestic abuse in a love relationship and, for 24 to 30 percent of these women, the abuse happens regularly and over a long period.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, every 15 seconds a man or a woman becomes a victim of abuse. An abuser may seem gentle, loving, and kind to begin with. A woman might start a relationship thinking she had met her soul-mate, only to discover her mate had no soul at all.

Types of Domestic Abuse:

• Physical Abuse. Physical abuse consist of grabbing, pinching, shoving, slapping, hitting, hair pulling, kicking, biting, etc. The abuser lashes out with aggressive or violent behavior to show the victim that he is the boss.

• Sexual Abuse. The sexually abusive husband will force or attempt to force sexual contact. A sexual abuser may commit marital rape, force sex on his wife after an episode of physical abuse, or treat his wife in a sexually demeaning way.

• Financial Abuse. The financial abuser attempts to make his wife financially dependent upon him. He maintains control over every financial resource; he withholds access to money and thwarts any attempt on her part to become financially independent.

• Emotional Abuse. The emotional abuser attempts to undermine his wife’s sense of self-worth by constantly criticizing her, belittling her, calling her names, coming between her and her friends, family, even children. Fear comes from the intimidation and mind games the victim is exposed to.

• Verbal Abuse. Verbal abuse may be overt or covert. Overt verbal abuse involves angry outbursts, verbal attacks, and name-calling. Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory and causes great confusion to a wife who works hard to do the right thing. Covert verbal abuse involves subtle comments meant to cause the wife to doubt herself, but given with the appearance of “only trying to be helpful.” Covert verbal abuse, which can be even more confusing, stems from repressed and hidden aggression on the part of the abuser. He wants to control her without letting her know. He was to control her while holding onto his image as a nice guy.

An abuser, regardless of how he chooses to abuse is a “coward and a bully” according to Dr. Phil McGraw. The abuser “chooses to abuse where it is safe, in a place where he feels loved and protected.”

So if you come across an abuser and control freak, remember that God in Christ Jesus did not make you a slave of any man but the right to be free from all men and serve and love Him first! Through the power of the Holy Spirit He has given you the right and authority to resist and rebuke any person especially an abuser and control freak. God’s word is true:

1 Timothy 5:20 Those who are sinning rebuke in the presence of all, that the rest also may fear.

2 Timothy 4:2 Preach the word! Be ready in season and out of season. Convince, rebuke, exhort, with all longsuffering and teaching.

Titus 1:13 This testimony is true. Therefore rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith,

Titus 2:15 Speak these things, exhort, and rebuke with all authority. Let no one despise you.

WALTER KAMBULOW VICTORY MINISTRIES http://walthope3.blogspot.ca